


It Was Almost Fine

by jjtaylor



Category: Harry Potter - Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-02-27
Updated: 2010-02-27
Packaged: 2017-10-07 14:31:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/66054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jjtaylor/pseuds/jjtaylor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Remus has lost Sirius more than once.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It Was Almost Fine

**Author's Note:**

  * For [throughadoor](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=throughadoor).



> Thanks to romanticalgirl for beta. Main and section titles from Kris Delmhorst's song "Broken White Line." This story was originally posted on July 29, 2005.

1\. You are still a cliff

Three years have passed since James and Lily's death and Remus has gotten good at pretending to be a Muggle. He does odd jobs, sometimes as a teacher, or on occasion things for Dumbledore, errands and travels. He lives in a small cottage on the edge of the suburbs of London, far enough out from other houses so that no one's reported hearing the howling of a werewolf.

The cottage is sparsely decorated; Remus has never really had the touch. Plain curtains, sturdy furniture. He keeps a single picture of Sirius framed on the wall. If anyone ever asks, he'll simply tell them it's to remind him what betrayal looks like.

The truth is that sometimes he just wants to see Sirius' face again.

Remus prefers to keep to himself amongst Muggles and wizards alike, and he doesn't get many people just dropping by, except when Minerva McGonagall decides she hasn't seen enough of him lately and come crashing through his Floo.

"You could at least offer me a cup of tea and allow me a moment to regain my composure," Minerva says, brushing away the dirt at the front of her robes, as Remus hurries into the kitchen to see what the fuss is about.

"You never lose your composure, even when you're covered in soot," Remus says.

"Tea will go lovely with the treat I've brought."

Remus smiles and takes the ceramic dish from her, brushing a bit of soot from its cover and setting it on the table while he goes to make tea.

When he returns with tea, plates, and a large serving spoon, Minerva is spotless.

"You didn't cook this," Remus says after taking a bite of the crumbly fruit tart.

"I'm offended," Minerva says, smiling behind her teacup.

"I've known you long enough, Minerva, to know you cannot cook raspberry tarts."

"I could have learned," she says with a laugh. "I've brought a translation that I'd like you to take a look at." She slides a small, leather-bound volume across the table toward Remus. "But mostly," she adds after a moment, "I wanted to visit."

"It's kind of you." Remus brushes his fingers over the book's cover. "You're the only person who manages to come by to check up on me without overwhelming me with pity. I've wanted to get a life. I'm just not sure what in the world to do with myself." He takes another bite of the tart, and chews slowly before he speaks. "I wanted a family. I wanted Sirius. "I was wrong to want him. And now all of my friends are dead, and I'm alone."

"Not all of your friends are dead," Minerva says quietly.

"I know that. Thank you."

"Send me an owl after you've looked at that translation," she said. "Goodness knows it will be a joy to read something other than essays on switching spells."

  
After he fixes dinner, Remus begins to flip through the book Minerva left with him. Tucked into the front pages is a note, written in two hands; Dumbledore writing to request that Remus come to stay at Hogwarts, and Minerva correcting his phrasing. This is not the first time they've asked, but he finds he has to keep refusing, even if their reason for asking and his reason for refusing is the same: Sirius.

Remus does not think he can stand to be at Hogwarts with all of the memories. He isn't sure that he can manage to walk by the spot where he and Sirius caught James and Lily kissing the very first time, or if he can look out at the grounds from the same window in Gryffindor Tower where he watched James and Sirius cavorting around the Quidditch Pitch, and where Sirius flew his broom right up to the window sill and chatted with Remus about their plans for the next full moon, all the while being tossed back and forth by the wind.

Remus remembers one time after the moon Sirius crawled up into his bed in the hospital wing, and Remus tried to shoo him away. But Sirius always got his way, saying it didn't matter if Madam Pomfrey found them because what would she do, throw him out? Sirius' grin was wild as he traced Remus' arms with his fingertips, kissed his chin so tenderly. It was hard to believe Sirius Black could be tender like this, and Remus had to turn away for a moment because Sirius' gaze was almost too intense.

  
Azkaban is cold, like falling through the ice of a frozen lake, and Remus is still fifteen meters from the prison when he sets off the first of the wards. Two people Apparate to the spot, and Remus stumbles on the rocky ground, clutching his arms against the cold. A man calls out for identification, but a woman recognizes him and calls out "Remus Lupin?" and then says to the man, "Friend of the Potters."

Remus feels two hands seize his biceps and lift him up, and then they Apparate to a warm office where sunlight is streaming in through the windows. Remus is settled into a chair and a cup of tea and several large chunks of chocolate are pressed into his hands.

He keeps his eyes closed, nibbling at the chocolate, trying to burn into his memory the figure he was certain he saw through the small window in the prison's ruins. The flash of black hair and the pale face looking out at him.

Minerva pulls the teacup from his hands and coaxes him to stand. It's her accent he recognizes, the soft, scolding tone of her voice before he even opens his eyes.

"Come now, Remus," Minerva says. "Would you like to go home?"

He nods.

Halfway through a pot of tea, the two of them silently staring at their hands at Remus' kitchen table, and she ask the question he's been waiting for.

"Whatever were you doing? Were you trying to kill him yourself? Isn't he getting punished enough? As noble a gesture as that may seem, Remus...."

"No," Remus says, and Minerva watches him with nervous, narrowed eyes. "I just wanted to see him again. Tell him I'm sorry."

Remus covers his face with his hands. He'd been so close. If only they'd taken him the rest of the way. If only they'd let him just go to the door of Sirius' cell for a moment....

"I'll stop in tomorrow," she says, getting up. "Get some rest." She squeezes Remus' shoulder, tosses a handful of Floo powder into the fire, and then she is gone before Remus can say anything.

  
After he eats a near pound of chocolate, he feels his mind coming back to him, and he is ashamed. He hates himself for his weakness, for continuing to love Sirius even when faced with the truth. Sirius is not who Remus thought he was; or, worse, Remus loved Sirius for who he truly was. Continues to love him, despite everything. Everything.

Remus stops in front of the picture of Sirius on the wall. He brings his face close and silently examines Sirius smiling in the autumn light. Remus' fingertips touch Sirius' face, as the Sirius in the picture continues to smile.

"I'm sorry," Remus whispers, and then turns the frame to face the wall.

  
2\. I still know how to fall

Remus isn't sure if Dumbledore will want to keep Grimmauld Place as the Order Headquarters, but even if they decide to sell it, Remus has decided it ought to be clean.

In the end, he has a feeling Dumbledore would leave the decision up to him. This was never Sirius' home, and even if they had spent the last year here together, Remus felt it wouldn't be hard to let the place go.

He's amazed how much he's gotten done this morning until he realizes it's actually dinner time and someone has just crashed through the Floo.

Remus follows the curses to find Minerva in the kitchen, dusting herself off.

"I can do a lot of things gracefully, but Floo simply isn't one of them."

"You didn't come here to cook me dinner did you?"

"I've never been very good at playing housewife. Even for Albus." She laughs. "I just came to visit. Merlin, you look worse than I do. Have you been cleaning the chimney?"

"Almost," Remus answers. "I've taken apart almost the entire third floor."

"Come, let's get ourselves cleaned up and then you can offer me some tea."

  
"Did you know," Minerva says, squeezing a lemon into her cup. "That Albus and I were seeing each other when he battled against Grindlewald? As a matter of fact, we were supposed to be on a date the day of the night final battle. I did feed him soup in the hospital wing."

Minerva rarely speaks of this time, and Remus takes a moment to consider the idea of Dumbledore in the hospital wing being fed soup, and then laughs. Minerva laughs with him, and then her smile fades a bit when she says, "I worry about him," she says. "He tells me he's making old man mistakes. Do you hate him for keeping Sirius locked up?"

Remus is startled by the question. "No, of course not," he says immediately. "I would have done the same thing. Had I any power over Sirius, anyway."

"We're wondering if you might come stay with us," Minerva says. "For a little while, at least."

"At Hogwarts? Minerva, I couldn't. With the children, and - the way I left my teaching post...."

"Mr. Lupin. I am Deputy Headmistress of the school. The Headmaster and I are asking you to come take up a room there. Are you presuming to tell me whether or not it's appropriate?"

"No, of course not."

"I'm only offering because this I'm tired of coming to this awful place. Aren't you tired of it?"

"I do have my cottage, it's just – emptier than it's been in a while." Remus drains his cup and then says softly, "I want to regret letting him go that night. But it felt so good to fight at his side again."

Minerva smiles knowingly, as Remus knew she would, and it's only then that he realizes that's exactly why he told her.

  
Just after Christmas, Sirius takes to asking Remus question after question, as though he just rediscovered his memory. Every night as they lay awake with their arms around each other in bed, Remus listens to Sirius voice with his eyes closed, stroking Sirius' skin.

"Do you remember...in the Shack? The face you made when you saw me, when you realized...." Sirius can't finish the sentence. Remus does remember. Everything had been made right again that night. It never made sense for Sirius to be guilty. It never made sense for Remus to love him still so much.

"I remember, Sirius."

"It didn't even matter that moment, when I saw you, whether I killed Peter or not. Did you know that? Because you believed me."

"I didn't know," Remus says, his fingers tangling in Sirius' hair.

"I would have died before I betrayed James and Lily. And you."

"I know that, Sirius."

  
Remus gets farther than he expects. Inside the Death Chamber, he stops at the rush of cold dry air as he reaches the top of the stone steps. He tucks his wand inside his robes, and starts down toward the raised dais.

His footsteps echo incredibly loudly. The veil flutters, and he watches, mesmerized. He stands on one side, then the other, stands where he was standing when Sirius fell, and then he kneels down in front of the archway and begins to speak.

"Sirius," he says. "Sirius, can you hear me? I miss you. I never thought it could hurt more than when we thought – when I thought you'd betrayed James and Lily, when I thought that you were – and even then, I loved you. I loved you so much. Sirius? You were the only one, so bright, so alive, so – oh, God, Sirius...."

And then hands pull him back from the archway, down from the dais, his hip knocking hard against the stone. And then he is on his back, looking up at Minerva, and three faces he doesn't recognize. Unspeakables. Minerva has tears running down her face.

"I wasn't going to go in," Remus says brokenly. "I only wanted to talk to him just once more."

  
Sirius visits Remus' cottage three times during his year on the run. During his first visit, Sirius finds the picture hung on the wall and laughed aloud when he saw his former self grinning back at him. Remus comes running through the cottage, still not sure that laughter was a good sound, still not comfortable with hearing Sirius' voice. But there is Sirius, grinning like mad, demanding to know where Remus had found this picture and insisting that Remus tell him how handsome he was and remained.

Remus looks at the picture now; Sirius, frozen in time, ageless, a handsome young man just out of Hogwarts, smiling that dashing smile at Remus.

Remus smiles back and whispers, "I love you," and then turns the picture to face the wall and goes to walk away. But he turns back, and reaches for the back of the frame. His fingers rest there, waiting.


End file.
